On a digital & vaguely public medium, journaling takes on a different feeling.
Some of my thoughts, as I’ve made moves to put some writing online. When I reflect on my online presence up until now, it doesn’t feel as though I use social media as it should be. Although I like to think that I’m in some way removed from my social media accounts - ie, my social media accounts do not wholly represent my thoughts or who I truly am; I protect my ‘self’ from vaguely defined threats by simply not expressing it. Just over 10 years ago, I made up my age to register for a facebook account in middle school. I’d post more than once every day & clearly had no impulse control - every thought I had could be a status update. Facebook was just some platform where I shared (what I thought was) funny thoughts & where I asked friends for elephants on farmville.
It feels odd that I’m old enough to be able to reflect and analyze my psyche a decade ago. From the sample of what I can observe, it’s clear I’ve always been aware and anxious of my use of time. Yet, it’s nice to know my relationship with my sister is still the same.
Self conscious of oversharing like I did in prior years, I’ve spent the last several years sort of lurking on social media. Lurking has benefits, like feeling informed or entertained. On the other hand, these aspects of the platform become addictive; my brain begins to crave a constant hit of novelty.
Sometimes I enter ‘facebook.com’ into my browser, when I’m already on the page, simply to escape boredom & avoid addressing it. Hence, endless scrolling and escapism via consumption. I’ve considered leaving the platform for good many times, and restrict my usage with various tools, but I eventually come back. If social media is irreplaceable, I should try harder to make its place in my life healthier.
Maybe in 10 years, this article have been just as laughable as my early posts on facebook (not even mentioning myspace or aim or yahoo music). Maybe I’ll have to halt this bc it’s totally embarrassing and/or too personally identifiable. Still, I appreciate journaling & I appreciate this alternative platform, where there are no physical page limits and over which I have greater control over organization and temporality. Journaling is a practice I’ve kept on and off since the 3rd or 4th grade and I find that it keeps me sane. I appreciate how rooted in the present I have to be to journal - I can’t speak for days gone by or yet to pass - I can only express what’s on my mind now & what I’ve experienced up until today, in this moment.
In bringing this up, I mean to make the observation that a piece of writing often feels rooted in and representative of my state of mind, at the time of writing - though maybe someone more seasoned would have a different opinion. I wonder what “this moment” even means and about my conception of time. At a generalized timescale, a sample of writing composed over the course of a few days could be considered representative of who I am, what my state of mind is, what ideas I resonate or identify with, in that moment.
In any case, I hope that as I continue to add to a growing body of digitized thought & consciousness, expressing myself comes more easily. I hope society doesn’t fall completely apart before I begin to live as I imagine I do or will. I hope the format of my website becomes more fitted to my aesthetic, and I hope my aesthetic begins to represent my values, outside of what I’ve been arbitrarily exposed to via social media and marketing (perhaps this is not really possible). While I continue on this train of thought, I also hope that I move past the attitude I feel I had of complacency and nihilism, in order to rekindle the vibrancy I had as a kid and infuse it with greater meaning and wisdom.